I opted to take a day trip from Havana to Vinales, a tiny town west of Havana surrounded by lush hilly limestone terrain offering great hiking, an incredible cave system & the world’s best tobacco growing. The rest of my trip was taking me east but I was convinced I needed to see the region after flying over it prior to landing in Havana… the terrain looked incredibly different than what I ever imagined Cuba to look like (& much different than Havana). 
My casa owner arranged for one of his trusted regular personal drivers to take me to Vinales. Eduardo knows the area very well & has taken the trip weekly w other casa guests. Eduardo arrived at 8 & just to make sure we’re on the same page, we sat w the owner to map out an itinerary prior to leaving as Eduardo speaks zero English. He seemed friendly & funny & when I left, I felt very comfortable & excited about the day. 
The first snafu happened 5 minutes after leaving when Eduardo indicated he forgot his wallet at home so we first had to go to outer Havana to pick it up. Fine, I forget things all the time. A half hour later, we finally began our journey. We chitchat about our lives & Havana & things are going great. He teaches me words in Spanish & I teach him words in English. The beginning of the route was small city streets & Eduardo seemed to be a very capable driver. About an hour into the 2.5hr trip, we hit the autopista, a 6-lane highway w not much traffic. Thankfully not much traffic. Because it was only then after 15 minutes or so that I started noticing Eduardo weaving across our 3 lanes of traffic. There were no other cars around & the roads were in the worst shape I’d ever seen, riddled w major potholes, so I thought perhaps he was trying to avoid them. And then he hit a rather large pothole dead-on that rattled his old 1970s car. And another one. WTF? I couldn’t see his eyes bc they were hidden behind huge sunglasses. I asked him if he was ok, perhaps a bit tired? Oh he’s ok but yes, perhaps a bit tired bc he was out w friends until 3:30am & then had to get up at 7. Uh oh. I suggested we continue talking bc that seemed to keep him awake before. He couldn’t hold a conversation. I asked him to play music so we seat-danced for a couple minutes before he tired of that. Immediately thereafter, a large tour bus approached us from the left rear. Eduardo didn’t see him coming & was in fact weaving in front of him so I gently suggested he move to the right. Then another car approached from the right, honking madly for him to get out of the way. He didn’t hear him until I said so. Three strikes & you’re out & during one of his next weaves, he picked up speed & I thought was headed straight off the road. So I really yelled at him. It’s pretty amazing how quickly I picked up Spanish swear words & proficiently & appropriately used them here. I told him he was a drunk & falling asleep, he was endangering both of our lives, he needs sleep & a lot of coffee. After my tirade, he was quiet & then sheepishly admitted I was right and stunningly, asked if I would be willing to drive. At this point, we were 1.5 hours into the trip & I didn’t trust him to drive us back to Havana so for fear of my life & a desire to still see Vinales, I agreed, still somewhat dumbfounded. We pulled over, switched seats, I got comfortable w some of the car’s “uniqueness”, & we were off. I asked him what signs I should follow… “Pinar del Rio”, which I knew from my travel book, & w that we were off, w Eduardo passed out beside me, unmoving. One must adapt when traveling right? We seemed better. 
Until 30 minutes later when la policia pulled us over. I was certainly not speeding so I think it was a random thing. Thankfully I, for some unknown reason, brought w me my passport & US drivers license. As I was frantically trying to wake Eduardo from his slumber, I was handing my documents over to the cop. Eduardo was barely awake at this point & despite the fact he just stopped to pick up his wallet, he was unable to locate his documents. On a whim, I explained to the cop w a laugh & a gesture, in an attempt to continue the trip, that the lush in the passenger seat was my stupid, drunk boyfriend. Those seconds awaiting his response were torturous as I considered the possibility I’d end up in a Cuban prison, but thankfully he laughed too, returned my documents & waved us on our way. I knew I saved Eduardo’s ass but I didn’t know to what extent until later as apparently it’s illegal for tourists to drive locals’ cars (designated by certain license plates) so the cop could very well have immediately impounded the car & thrown Eduardo in jail w massive fines (I’m told no repercussions for me, although I’d be stuck in the middle of nowhere w no way to return to Havana). You’re welcome, Eduardo. 
I kept following signs for Pinar del Rio. And after an hour more of driving, kept trying to wake Eduardo. I felt as if we were heading in the right direction so no need to panic. Then he awoke, after 1.5 hrs of my driving, exclaiming we should’ve exited an hour ago… right around the time the police pulled us over. Great. I exit & follow his instructions to take a now not-so-direct route to Vinales. Oh well. We made it to stop one & he seemed markedly better.. no longer drunk but certainly tired. At my orders, while I toured & hiked the site, he was to down significant amounts of coffee. 
That’s how our day continued. He rebounded quite well & took back the driving, which was great bc that’s what I was fucking paying him to do. I refused to be angry at him as I didn’t want that negative energy ruining my day so we returned to our fun banter. When sober & awake, he actually did a really great job as a tour guide, explaining details & history. We toured the lovely Vinales until about 5pm, a bit later than normal perhaps, given our trip there took an extra hour or so. 
And then we returned to Havana. All was going swimmingly until an hour into the trip. He asked me if I would drive again. I yelled at him as this time, he wasn’t drunk, he was just tired & incompetent. I hired him to drive & he needed to drive so I refused. I started watching him closely & found that since he wasn’t now wearing his sunglasses, he couldn’t hide the fact that his eyes were closing again. Perfect. 15 minutes passed & it was now dusk & he asked again if I would drive. To make it back alive, I once again agreed while that mf slept next to me. The closer we got to Havana, the more traffic appeared & the darker it became, while his old car’s lights on unfamiliar roads w no help whatsoever from Eduardo made for a more difficult drive than desired. Again, Eduardo had trouble waking up. The signs entering Havana were pretty clear so while waking him, I still felt ok driving. And then the signs immediately became unclear & all of a sudden, there were 5 police cars in the center of the road forcing me to decide right or left. I decided left & apparently decided wrong. My 3 lanes disappeared almost immediately & turned into a tiny 1-lane road w no lights & I came to a screeching halt alongside in the tumble weeds, all the while screaming at Eduardo. That finally awoke him, laughing & saying “oh that’s ok angela, we are in XXX in Havana & you just need to go right”. I lost it. Screamed I’m not fucking driving anymore. Got out of the driver’s side & slammed the door. He chuckled, agreed & dropped me at my casa in 15 minutes. 
Somehow throughout this entire ordeal, Eduardo came to believe we were truly friends & I was just helping him out as a friend would do in similar circumstances. What he seemed to forget was that I was paying him to provide a service that he most certainly didn’t provide. So he truly seemed genuinely shocked when I stiffed him on his payment, even after explaining why. The casa owner apologized endlessly, fired him as his regular driver & covered the cost of his fuel & time for the trip. Since I made it back alive, I reflected that I did actually enjoy Vinales & the trip story was in fact a pretty great one. One that I hope to never repeat.